difference between holding a grudge and not forgettingdifference between holding a grudge and not forgetting
They think in black-and-white terms. That lasted three months, until my Grandmother died. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Vindication? Wheres the line between self-preservation and good parenting? I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. It just isnt worth it and it only leads to more frustration, unhappiness and anger in the long run. Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. Any use of this site constitutes your agreement to the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy linked below. He did you a favor by telling you, he couldnt do relationships, but you didnt listen when they give you this gem of info. Be grateful he is gone and you dodged a bullet. If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. It was an amazing feeling finally saying how I really felt, Natalie is right I always felt that when I heard from him that I wouldnt have the strength to ever really say no, but I found out I actually did have, that deep down I was done with it all, it just took me a while to realise itmy daughter really dislikes him because of how he treated me and I didnt want her to ever look down on me for not being able to stand up for myself. But I realized that there was good reason, and that he was snatching my safety net from under my feet pushing me away, while pulling my closest friends towards him. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. the person who told you that is wrong. Forgiveness is to be a liberator, an emancipator, a freer of spirits once shackled by mistakes of the past. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. Despite your best efforts, it's impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. The final straw was that when I left town out of desperation to do something else,and hang out with other people I returned to find that he was crashing out on my close grilfriends bed saying that he felt his bind with me was stronger if he hung out with my close friends. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. I know that this need not happen to you, and I hope it never does play out like this for you. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. Thats very sad when we have to protect ourselves from a parent. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. This after calling me Satans spawn at one point for me not being as infuriated as she was at a woman who suggested that my aunts 5$ haircut wasnt the most stylish thing shed ever seen. This is the test to see if you're really holding a grudge. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. He had nothing but kind thingsthings to say about me, my sibling, & others we knew from that time. I wrote that post last night in a moment of particular discomfort, and I was blown away this morning when I found your thoughtful replies. as well as other partner offers and accept our. Is your opinion of that behavior good or bad? But at last he has left and I am fine! What a schmoe. *Get a journal. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. And not to take me out either, but asking if I would take him out. I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. He had no answer to that so I walked away. You might not always think that you're still upset with someone over a certain thing, but you very well could be. Sandy, I am proud of you, too. Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. My Mother believes if he really and truly had serious intentions, his ego and my not responding to him would not prevent him from reaching out to me. When we walk down the street hes always constantly commenting about how hot every woman we pass is and even runs up to some of them and gives them his number and asks them to meet up later (he does this at LEAST once every time we meet up) and then he looks at me and my shocked face and then laughs. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. hes let you down a few times and it doesnt sound like he wants to talk. Good for you and your new found strength! If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. Holding a grudge keeps them safe from further injury. Also supplement this with yoga to connect the relaxation of body and mind. These Are 5 Ways Narcissists Use Projection. I could not bear to watch the dynamic as we all used to hang out together. I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. Thats a good sign for me. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. Wonderful. All Free. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. Frontiers in Psychology. It is like stepping on a piece of gum and not being able to move forward without that bump on the bottom of your shoe. That worked. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. But thats just me. I also dont think asses make good friend material. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. But we really need to forgive ourselves. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286. Thank you. you are special. In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). Its also not a punishment.New year, new no. Normally, when things do not work out, I just endure the pain but try to move on. The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. Narc with more baggage than an airport. I used to have a male best friend who was very, very similar to this man you describe. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Absolutely true! I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. Same people. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. "Often, grudges come from an intentional or unintentional betrayal," Kasey says. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. : a strong feeling of anger toward someone that lasts for a long time. Ive never had to forgive anyone as horrible as a child abuser, so Im a forgiveness novice in comparison. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. I certainly do have amnesia when I conveniently forget about all the hurt that he has caused me and continued to cause me before I went NC and could get a clearer perspective. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. re my son esp. Lavender, If youre struggling, try thinking of the STDs he may be carrying around with him. Ready you should be celebrating! It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. I did a thing where I didnt make a scene about my anniversary, hoping people close to me would gather around without a script. Grudges aren't uncommon. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! I hated myself, but there was a thrill and fascination Id never experienced before. But I am trying to maintain my dignity. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. What a shame! Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. Do you want to learn how to love intelligently? Grace answered beautifully. Text book I tell you. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. The only reason he wants to contact you is to make HIMSELF feel better. But. "Often, we'll find ourselves avoiding someone that we have resentment or an unresolved issue with," Habash said. Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. With all of my relationships Im the same way. I hear you, and I know you are right. You think. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). It did occur to me that being in no contact with him for good may seem a bit harsh and like Im holding a grudge against the past, but then it also occurred to me, Who cares? Why does it matter what someone who clearly didnt care about me thinks? Had to get to a point where I picked the most rotten man around and risk my life. Grudges also often feature persistent rumination about the person and/or incident at the center of your ill-will. Im not sure we can. 0 Even if that doesnt apply to your pastor, I doubt he meant ex boyfriends. I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. I read a quote by G.K. Chesterton, Christianity hasnt been tried and found wanting. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. They may have seen it, heard about it, read about it, but they havent experienced it for themselves. And I didnt. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. The only emotion I have when I think of her is pity. Thinking about what you're actually upset about or why you had that reaction to something that's seemingly minor can help you figure out what's actually at the root of the issue. ", It's easy for you to get irritated with them, NOW WATCH: Bed bug infestations are only getting worse here's why they're so hard to kill. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC!
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