husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

husband doesn t want to go on family vacationhusband doesn t want to go on family vacation

OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) Try to stop expecting reasonable behaviour from your spouse when hes in this anxious state. Did you see the memo that was going around from Travis Kalanik of Uber (shortly before he was forced out)? And even if you werent going to your cousins house! Unless theyre all really churchy (and the OP didnt say), if any of my previous partners said that, Id give it massive side-eye. Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) Maybe its the way he framed it to his friends, or maybe he wasnt being completely honest about that. Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? Anyway, TL;DR, there can be hope for these situations, despite what the commentariat here may imply. All rights reserved. I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. Go on the business trip, set and hold firm limits with him (i.e., if you want to call him at 9 each night, great, but thats it. Find advice, support and good company (and some stuff just for fun). So its not like its all new. Whenever we visit, we have to stay in their house, which is dirty and only has one working bathroom. As someone who also suffers from anxiety and irrational fears about my partners safety, this is such a kind response and vivid description of how (otherwise) reasonable people can become unreasonable. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. You can have a couple days where youre focused on other things! Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. Should I take him into account? update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? Theres a limit to how much they can make if they limit themselves to those who want risqu and sleavy. -OPs husband, probably. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. I know that you arent the one with the issue, but just letting you know. Either way, its important for both ofyou tocommunicate about such animportant issue sothat things dont escalate further than necessary. You are right! Willing to bet that OPs husband, regardless of whats behind his behavior, is one of those. Thats a CA classic. Significant others who mess with your career or education are bad news. For work. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. We look out for each other. This makes a lot of sense, and I think its a good strategy. At work? Because my husband trusts me. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. Except he took a poll of his mom. Street photography! (Ive been to LV exactly once, for work. Im not going to be lured into seedy underworld just because its there! I cordially dislike Vegas. I know anxiety is a thing, but business travel can really suck- its exhausting, youre away from the comforts of home, etc., so to have your spouse making that worse is just so awful it would be a deal breaker on the relationship for me. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. The letter writer specifically ASKED about anxiety. Doyou have any tips onbuilding trust, friendship, and respect with your partners family? Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. This gives me hope that one day Ill have that too! Vegas flights and hotels are cheap compared to anywhere else with their size convention/conference space. I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! I think OP and her husband are from a more conservative background. If you have time to arrange a therapist, try to meet with several and then pick the one that is the best fit. OP, do you think hes more worried for you (someone will spike your drink, youll get kidnapped) or worried about you (youll cheat on him)? In this case, it sounds like OP is bearing the brunt of the disagreement and shes doing the lions share of being patient and accommodating the husband hes not doing much work to accommodate her needs. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Most of them suffer from anxiety and sensory issues so they think Vegas sounds terrible in practice. First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. Flying might be easier. This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. I talked to a financial planner about my divorce before I decided to go through with it, and it turns out she and I married the same guy too! (Im glad to report that years later she is completely reasonable and sensible about these things and I love her dearly!). It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. Im glad you left that loser. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. I have a 3 yr old, almost 2 yr old, and 2 month old. Just my two cents. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. From the outside, his train of thought is totally irrational. This is part of your JOB. Pretty much. Or get off? You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. That is the hallmark of a controlling person. In which case OP should divorce his sorry ass posthaste, because those guys are genuinely dangerous and also do not deserve companionship. Whoever heard of such a thing, going to Sin City for work! And then he interprets the lack of disagreement as agreement. I made this comment on the most recent one of those! Caveat: I dont think scheduled calls ALONE will solve OPs issue. Thank you for sharing your story withus this iswhat weve come upwith: How would you react ifyou were inMayas shoes? Ha, my team at Exjob traveled all the time (consultants) and they said the only thing good about it was the FF miles and points. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. For the OP, thats the problem here. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. You travel with the rest of the managers in your company, and I would assume many of them have spouses (and presumably most are able to handle behaving like a responsible adult). Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. HE is the one who needs counseling; going together would send the message that its an us issue. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). You have a good day and thank you. I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. Agreed! His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. It really seems like your husband doesnt trust you, and as AAM said, that is a relationship problem. No, its not, but again Im not just speaking out of my ass here; I have seen similar anxiety issues firsthand. Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party.. There was a recent one with the same problem! Is she free to travel then? Its like I encouraged a learned behavior. Sorry, that isnt useful. Im sure he must have good qualities, but this isnt one of them. I would probably choose being single over him. I went for the first time over the summer. Good points. The tipping point came when he suggested I find my boss a girlfriend you know, so Boss wouldnt be tempted to hit on me. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. Theres like 1 hour of down time. If you refuse to go, it is very likely to cause repercussions at work. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. About 3 months in (together 3 years now), I went for a very long walk, in a not-well-lit, bad sidewalks area, as I was used to doing. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. Hed go get a hotel room, and give me a call; he wouldnt be instantly homeless and alone, and I couldnt magically fix a burned house anyway. Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. Especially with comments like, I have anxiety and I would never act like this! Not everyones anxiety is the same. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet. Untreated anxiety is a meat grinder to relationships. Biking to work? Last time I was there staying at the Cosmo some HR conference started in the hotel (funny as an HR person) He is seriously out of whack and I would not put up with him. Also deploying the well everyone else thinks youre wrong too thing is a really immature way to work through a disagreement. Good luck and enjoy the trip. And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. of course im very careful around others who drink and make it a point to be responsible and not get carried away, kwim? Im familiar with the kind of irrational worst case scenario anxiety youre talking about. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Does he worry about you when you go shopping alone, or when you work late at the office? Last time you went on a business trip, you spent the entire time dealing with his feelings about it instead of focusing of what you were actually there to do. Business trips are a normal fact of life in many jobs. I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). I think youre going to get a lot of pile on against your husband here I do hope you feel supported and not overwhelmed. It turned out that this was part of a larger problem he would call her every ten minutes at her desk at work too, and if she didnt answer, he would have her paged over the intercom. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? Maybe you set a boundary about content, and tell him you only want to talk about good stuff while youre goneI love you, cant wait to see you is OK, Im so worried youll get drugged, raped, and murdered is too much to put on you while youre focusing on work. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). Your brain chemistry & brain function is literally abnormal, for a start. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! Theres a weird dichotomy with that place. Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for the night along the way. not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off on a tangent.. And in 2 days Im heading east solo for a wedding. We of course send the Im here texts and goodnight and such. It means the relationship ran its course and isnt bringing the two of you what you need any more, and thats sad, but its also not unusual. My husband has been in counseling and on medication for his mental health. Ill throw this out too just in case. ! Um, Im going to my cousins house. But yeah, I would go to a counselor rather than skipping straight to a lawyer unless there are more flagrant issues. I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. You need to do this to protect your relationship, because frequent anger is corrosive and damaging. You deserveit! He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. There are tons of huge conferences that take place there all the time. Maybe his friends dont work either and are supported by their wives. So thank you for the comments. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. Also, sometimes its exhausting to argue with an anxiety sufferer and you end up agreeing to get out of the discussion. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. Ill take bizarrely leading questions for 600, Alex. My grandmother pays for the trip. I dated a guy like that! In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. If my wife was going off just to gamble and get wasted with other dudes Id be against that too., I highly doubt he posed it as My wifes company keeps taking business trips to Las Vegas. You could walk up to the bar to order a drink and tell that person you need some assistance and they are on it in seconds. $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. But other things may be reasonable eg nightly call ins and letting husband know that she is not going to call or answer his calls during the day. My colleagues and I used to parse the bulletins the U.S. Embassy put out about reported crimes against Americans, and so often you could read between the lines of someone trying to cover for a mistake. I dont know about gambling but partying? Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. She would step into the hallway during the conference and ask what he wanted, and he would say he wanted to make sure she was where she was supposed to be. I hope you can get some work done despite your husbands interference while you are gone. My wife and I have two young kids. Give yourself permission tofeel hurt and angry. I agree with the counseling suggestion. He easily sleeps 4 hours. Why do you feel this way?. A room like that in any other city would cost 3 or 4 times that. Your absence is the absence of any possible reward for his behaviour. Cuz he was awesome.). I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. It may not be, in this case. Leave your phone on silent. Hecalledme, saying thatI acted childish becauseI pushed him totakeme, and Ieavesdropped. I still tease her about it. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine). If you on a long car ride or your baby simply just doesn't like a car seat you obviously aren't going to stop every 5 or 10 min to take baby out and soothe him so you do it in the car as long as someone else is driving. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. Blergh. Its crazy how often this happens. The memo was a few years old, and it had been issues shortly before an Uber retreat If Im not mistaken it was in Miami definitely in Florida. Yeah, there are definitely shady parts of Vegas, in the same way are in almost every city. And do not to the best of your ability get wrapped up or play into his anxieties, or irrational fears. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. Iasked ifI could come. Conflict resolution. I thought my mom was the only one like this. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. how do I get out of an active-shooter drill at my office? Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. I dont think Ive ever paid more than $200/night in Vegas, often much less even after the resort fees are tacked on. Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. Your husband is being insecure (at best!). My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Stay at Luxor for dirt cheap, or Mandalay Bay for the pool. is a really good sign! When one leaves, its done! Your friend is a wise woman. I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. A spare hour or two could be spent at an adult themed entertainment show or casino, and that can honestly spiral. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. They dont have to go out of town to do it. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. Then I realized that he was not being irrational he was worried, and it was not a burden for me just to check in once in awhile, especially if I am on unfamiliar dark roads. Yup. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. Congratulations! It was still broad daylight, and I was with a group of fellow students. Whenever we had a fight he would kowtow me with how everyone agreed with him and had various complaints about me that theyd apparently shared with him but never brought to me. I think on a more general level Spouse doesnt want me to go *can* be an actual, non-abusive thing, in certain circumstances (new baby at home for example, or a health crisis or other emergency where Hey, is there ANY way you can get out of this trip? might be a reasonable thing to ask. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. In the end, she chose her career and her child (who was 4 years old then) over her husband, because she eventually realized that this behavior was not normal, and was not a reflection on her. Bigger point being ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and not their place to weigh in. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. But it was a pain in the ass to get there, I felt super unsafe walking around at night (as in, someone else from the conference actually got muggedthere were few street lights and the streets were deserted after dark), and the food sucked. My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. Youre the breadwinner? Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. Whether its legitimate is pretty much beside the point. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. Shopping! They were lost and just wanted to get back to the station, happened to see one guy had a gun and started cryingwhich caused all the guys to worriedly come over, try to calm them down, then send a guy to escort them personally to the train station. Well, it depends. I love New Orleans! Hmm. Thats what I was thinking. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. I think its fine for different people to have different types of relationships. He gets anxiety about it, but he doesnt try to stop me from going he knows it is part of my job. Fine with me. Its you both versus these scenarios hes building, not you versus him and his mindset. Haha! I agree. I do sympathize with what you are dealing with. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? Im so glad to see this response here. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. You are not alone with this. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. Sorry about the side note. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. I love my wife and we bought land and a home. For the more immediate concerns, maybe you could also suggest scheduling a phone call every night or something to help put his mind at ease, and that yall meet with a counselor to help work through his concerns. But truly, its a secondary concern here. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. Sorry if I didnt tie that up explicitly enough. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. My boyfriend loves Las Vegas, Ive gone several times and always have an excellent time. I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. Working Wife, I truly dont know what your marriage is. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. Your stops will be longer because you'll have to take the baby out of the carseat for a little bit. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. That was my thinking toohow much did he lead them into getting the exact answer he wanted? I dont much care for Vegas. We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. Of course, it also relates to what the right wing media say, and its super-hard to tackle. My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. Counseling is a great start. ;). That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever.

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